I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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