She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
