He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
