dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
