i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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