So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize