You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
