So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
