Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
