You can't motorboat a personality
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
