apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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