are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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