i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
