U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
