I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
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