I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
