Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
