Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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