If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
