I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize