If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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