I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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