Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
