Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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