Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
