i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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