dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wish there were birth control emojis
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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