It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
