i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
