naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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