Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
