I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
