mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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