i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
