When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
