Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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