I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
