He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
