woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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