apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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