Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
this will be a night to untag.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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