saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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