Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
