sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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