let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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