I can text with my tongue
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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