I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
