I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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