the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
