Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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