Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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