Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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