I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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