Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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