HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
