You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She told me I should be a condom model.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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