Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
