i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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