It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
