you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize