It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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