i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
