so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
