It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
