she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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