im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize