I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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