everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
